My Muddy Valentine
by RockHead South Park
Summary: Love is in the air at South Park Elementary but when two girls for some explicit reason both want Eric Theodore Cartman as their Beau love becomes a muddy splattered thing. Who will win Cartman's affection or at least attention. the winner will be decided in a no holds barred winner takes all mud wrestling main event.


ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS STORY EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE ARE FICTIONAL ALL CELEBRITY VOICES ARE IMPERSONATED POORLY THIS STORY CONTAINS CRUDE HUMOR AND DUE TO IT'S CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

Cue Intro.

Les Claypool: "I'm going down to South Park gonna have myself a time."

Stan and Kyle: "Friendly faces everywhere humble folks without temptation."

Les Claypool: "Going down to South Park gonna leave my woes behind."

Cartman: "Ample parking day or night people shouting...*Heffer sneaks up behind him and kisses him.* "Ay don't cut me off."

The song stops suddenly.

Stan: "What is it?"

The bus stops and everyone looks at Cartman.

Cartman: "This bitch interrupted my part of the song."

Heffer: "I just gave you a quick kiss."

Cartman: "Heffer you do not cut me off while we're doing the intro."

Kenny: Takes down his hood. "I'm not gonna get to say my part am I?"

Les Claypool: "Are gonna finish this intro?"

Kyle: "Aw forget it lets just cut to the story already."

Liza Pops up next to Cartman.

Liza: "Yeah Way to go Freckleface."

Heffer: "Don't push me blondie!"

Liza: "At least I don't look like a sunburned chipmunk after a fight with a lawnmower."

Heffer: "That's it!" She grabs Liza's hair and pulls her to the ground and they start fighting.

Cartman: Facepalms and pulls down a technical difficulties sign over the window.

Scene Break.

School Hallway.

The school hallway is decorated for Valentines day Strings of hearts line over the lockers and children walk hand in hand , Richie with Ophelia, Flint with Sven, Smiley with Rags, Charlie with Lloyd, Roselyn with Craig, Mica and Mole, Carmen with Edgar Etc etc  
The girls are busy unloading their lockers.

Wendy: "So who's going to the valentines day dance?"

Bebe: "I'm going with Clyde,"

Maddie: "Kyle asked me to go with him."

Catherine: "I'm going with Kenny."

Annie: "Let me guess Wendy your going with Stan?"

Wendy: "You know it!"

Jenny: "What about you Liza?"

Liza: "Actually I was thinking of asking Cartman."

Girls: "EWWW!"

Annie: "Why him Liza?"

Nicole: "Yeah he's disgusting."

Liza: "I think he's just misunderstood." She looks at a picture of Cartman framed by a heart in her locker.

"As if you'd have a chance with him."

The girls looked over to see Heffer closing her locker looking at them all smug.

Liza: disgusted tone. "Krista."

Heffer "Liza."

Liza: "what are you doing here?"

Heffer: Smug "Oh I'm just about to ask Eric to the dance this friday."

Liza: "Oh please like he'd have anything to do with a sunburned chipmunk like you." She flips her her in a huff.

Heffer: "better than some blonde skank wearing a cheap rayon jacket.."

Liza: "YOU TAKE THAT BACK YOU SLUT."

Heffer: "WHORE!"

Liza: "BITCH!"

Heffer: "C#NT!"

The girls gasp in horror.

Liza shoves Heffer against her locker, Heffer grabs her by her hair. They wrestle to the ground biting scratching and kicking each other.

Wendy: Pulls Heffer off Liza. "That's enough both of you for god sake your fighting over Cartman!"

Catherine: "Yeah he's just worth it girls."

Wendy: "Look why you both just ask Cartman who he'd rather go with to the dance that way we're clawing at each other like savages."

Liza: "Fine we'll all see I'm the one he loves."

Heffer: "Yeah right Eric's my chubby little turtledove and I'm his you'll see."

The girls walk over to the boys who are unloading their lockers to go home.

Wendy: "Hey Stan." She kisses him on the cheek. "Are we still on for the dance?"

Stan: "Of course Babe." Kisses her on the nose.

Cartman: "That dance is so gay."

Liza: rubs her wrist nervously "Uh Eric I was wondering if you might want to go to the dance with me?"

Cartman: "Huh?"

Heffer: "Oh please like He'd want to with you." She waltzes up to Cartman. "Eric sweetie." She rubs her head against his shoulder sensually." I was thinking you might want to go to the dance this Friday with me.? She rubs her fingers against his chest."

Cartman: "Uh alright?"

Heffer: Turns to Liza "You see I win."

Liza: "NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE! Eric why would you want to go with someone who stalks you, watches you sleep and steals your nail clippings."

Heffer: "That's bullshit! I don't steal Eric's toenail clippings...anymore."

Cartman: "Uhh!"

Stan: "Dude we should totally stay out of this."

Kyle: "Totally dude."

Stan, Kyle and Kenny walk away while Liza and Heffer continue to argue.

Liza: "Oh Please I've seen those baby pictures you stole from his photo album."

Cartman: "WHAT!"

Heffer: "It's not what you think Eric."

Liza: "Oh please tell him all about the bare bottom boy picture you've got in your locker you Freckled Sunburned Skank."

Heffer: "That's it you and me outside right now."

Bebe: "Oh boy."

Scene Break.

The playground.

The children gather around a mud pit where Heffer and Liza are gearing up for battle.

Stan: "What's going on?"

Clyde: "Liza and Heffer are fighting over who's going to the valentines day dance."

Stan: "Uh Okay."

Kyle: "Cool."

Liza and Heffer sit in their corners at Ring preparing for battle they paint their faces with makeup and undress down to their swimsuits.

Cartman is dressed up like a sultan.

Craig: "So Cartman what's it feel like to have two girls fighting over you?"

Cartman: "Awesome!"

Conner Kurtz walks into the mud pit wearing a referees uniform.

Conner: "Alright Maggots I want a good dirty 't be afraid gouge some eyes pull some hair and remember to win you have to push your opponents face into the mud. alright I want you to go back to your corners and wait for the bell to sound."

The girls head back to their corners and stare each other down.

Conner: Rings the bell. "Get it on!"

Heffer and Liza come out of their corner and immediately start grappling each other while the Star Trek Fight music plays.

Heffer grabs Liza's hair but Liza fights back by biting Heffer's fingers, Heffer screams and gouges Liza's eye.

Wendy looks up at Cartman.

Wendy: "Cartman do something."

Cartman: "What?"

Wendy: "This is your fault Cartman."

Cartman: "I can't help that I'm so sexy Ho."

Wendy: "Your not sexy you fat fuck."

Cartman: "Oh who are these fighting over again not you!"

Wendy: "Rargh!"

Wendy topples over Cartman and starts beating up Cartman punching him and kneeing him in the groin until Conner comes over.

Conner: "Hold it HOLD IT!"

Everyone stops fighting

Conner: "School code clearly states that the mud pit is maximum two fighters at one time Wendy you and Cartman will have to wait your turn."

Wendy: "Alright." She gets off Cartman.

Conner stops Cartman and grabs him by the arm.

Conner: "Don't count on me to bail you out next time Tanker tits." he turns back to Heffer and Liza. okay girls continue."

Heffer: "So where were we?"

Liza: "I was biting your fingers and you were gouging my eye."

Heffer: "Which eye was it?"

Liza: "The right one I think."

Heffer: "Oh thanks."

Liza: "No problem."

The Star Trek fight music starts up again as they start fighting again. Heffer gains the upper hand sweeping Liza's leg and tripping her into the mud but Liza kicks Heffer in the stomach and knocks her down.

Kenny watches with excitement as the two girls wrestle each other their hair becoming stained with mud.

Kenny: ("This is hot.")

Catherine is not amused

Catherine: Crosses her arms and huffs. "What am I chopped Liver?"

Kenny: ("Woo hoo!")

The fight continues Liza rolls Heffer over in the mud and begins forcing her bare foot in Heffer's face.

Liza: "That right eat my foot you C#nt!"

Heffer bites her big toe.

Liza: "OWWWW!" She hops up and down on one foot.

Heffer gets up and picks up Liza in an Airplane spin before pile driving her onto her back.

Heffer: "Cartman is mine and no one will ever take him away from me."

Liza: Grits her teeth in anger seemingly defeated.

Heffer: "We're going to live happily ever after and there's no room for you."

Richie Freedman turns over Ophelia.

Richie: "Ophie." (That's a pet name for her.) "You would go this crazy If I knew another girl would you?"

Ophelia: Thinks back to cutting the eyes out of a photo of Ruby Crocker signed Together forever RichieXRuby and drawing mustaches on her before cutting it up with a knife and laughing maniacally. "Of course not Richie your my one true love."

She kisses him on the cheek and smiles innocently.

Ophelia: grins evilly thinking ("That ginger boyfriend stealing bitch is going down.")

Heffer closes in for the kill prepared to dunk Liza's face in the mud when suddenly Liza reaches out and rips off Heffer's bottom exposing her freckled fanny to everyone.

Everyone Gasps.

Stan: "Holy shit!"

Wendy slaps him The rest of the girls slap their boyfriends as well."

Maddie: "Kyle don't look."

Catherine: "KENNY!"

Clyde: Get's slapped by Bebe. "OWIE! OWIE!"

Ophelia: "Oh My God Richie shield your eyes." She covers his eyes. "I'll get you both for this you little flashers."

Isadora: "Oh That's just nasty!"

Heffer: Grits through her teeth. "YOU BITCH!" She rips off Liza's top and shoves her to the ground.

Liza gets back up and rips off Heffer's top before shoving her to the ground.

Everyone gasps again. Kenny wolf whistles and gets slapped by Catherine again.

Heffer gets back up and rips off Liza's bottom.

Everyone gasps yet again.

Liza screams with rage and tackles Heffer to the ground and two start getting down and dirty.

Kenny takes out his cell phone and starts taking pictures of the two naked girls mud wrestling.

Kenny: ("Best day ever!")

Catherine slaps him again and breaks his Cell Phone.

Heffer and Liza continue to wrestle until Conner steps in and breaks it up.

Conner: "ALRIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH BREAK IT UP." He separates the two nude girls. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your both disqualified."

Heffer and Liza: "WHAAAAT!"

Conner: "You broke the only rule of mud wrestling No indecent exposure in the ring. I'm sorry to tell you this but I'm gonna have to report this to the principal.

Scene break

Principals office.

Heffer and Liza sit inside Principal Victoria's office.

Principal Victoria: "I'm very disappointed with both of you fighting at school while indecently exposed on top of that! What do you have to say for yourselves?"

Heffer and Liza look down at the floor.

Heffer and Liza: "We're sorry Principal Victoria."

Principal Victoria: "I'm afraid sorry is not good enough this time girls. I'm afraid I'm going to have to call both your parents and I'm suspending you for a week.

Heffer: "Eh I've dealt with worse."

Principal Victoria: "I've also decided to bar you both from attending the school valentines day dance."

Liza: "WHAT THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

Heffer: "I can't miss this dance I've been waiting all week for it."

Principal Victoria: "I'm afraid I have no choice to ban you from attending the dance. maybe this will teach to behave yourself and keep your clothes on when your at school."

Liza: Breaks down crying. "T-Th-This was supposed to be the moment where Eric fell in love with me!"

Heffer: "Ha as if he'd ever fall in love with a tramp like you."

Liza: "Big talking from a freckled beaver."

Heffer: "Girl you wish your beaver had freckles like mine." *She starts singing.* "Don't ya wish your beaver was hot like mine don't you wish your ass was hot like mine. *While shaking her butt and wagging her finger in Liza's face.*

Liza loses it and tackles Heffer to the ground.

Liza: "Rargh!"

The two girls start fighting kicking and biting each other.

Principal Victoria: "Girls please stop fighting stop fighting this instant! I mean it I'll double your suspension!"

Heffer fighting: "Keep your hands off my master you skank."

Liza fighting: "Please your not good enough to wipe his ass not you haven't tried."

Heffer: "That has nothing to do with this!"

Principal Victoria: "ENOUGH!"

Liza and Heffer stop fighting and glare at her.

Principal Victoria has a glare in her eye and a vein on her forehead.

Principal Victoria: "Obviously Eric Cartman is a source of tension between you too. I'm ordering both of you to see the school counselor after school until you two can sort out your problems."

Heffer and Liza Look at each other.

Scene Break

Mr Mackey's Office.

Mr Mackey: "Mmm Kay so why don't we start at the beginning what is it about Eric Cartman that gets you upset?"

Liza: "What do you mean?"

Mr Mackey: "What exactly has Cartman done to upset you both?"

Heffer: "Nothing She's just jealous of the love Eric and I share."

Liza: "What love you root thru the barber shop hair barrels for locks of his hair."

Heffer: "Shut up!"

Liza: "The problem is she's dangerously obsessed him!"

Heffer: "That's not true!"

Liza: "Really? who's got an effigy of him in her closet covered in kiss marks? and teeth marks? specially around the penis?"

Heffer: "How do you know about the teethmarks err I mean what are talking about?"

Liza: Crosses her arms and rolls her eyes. "Oh don't even try to pretend Krista! I know it you know it everybody in the girls bathroom knows it."

Heffer: Stands up indignant "YOUR LYING!"

Mr Mackey: "Mmm Kay let's just settle down now."

Liza: Stands up indignant. "YOU JUST CAN'T ACCEPT THE FACT THAT ERIC SEES YOU THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE AT SCHOOL YOU SKANKY SLUTTY SUNBURNT BUCK TOOTHED OFFSPRING OF A CABBAGE PATCH KID AND A TROLL DOLL!"

HEFFER: "THAT'S IT I'M GONNA PAINT THE WALLS OF THIS OFFICE WITH YOUR BLOOD!"

She smacks Liza with her chair into the wall and and charges at her but Liza recovers and dodges her strike.

Mr Mackey: "Okay let's just calm down and try to reach a compromise Mmm kay."

Liza grabs a chair and hits Heffer making her drop her chair.

Mr Mackey: "Stop it girls."

Liza punches a tooth out of Heffer's mouth. Heffer retaliates by punching Liza in the nose.

Liza: holds her bruised and bloody nose. "OH MY NOSE!"

Mr Mackey: "ENOUGH!"

They stop and look at him.

Mr Mackey: "Look at you both, tearing at each others throats and for what over a boy."

The moral of the story music plays.

Mr Mackey: "Look Eric Cartman might seem special to you now but as you grow up there will more boys in life and you'll realize that boys come and boys go but friendships last a lifetime."

The girls look at each other with remorse.

Mr Mackey: "Someday you'll both look back and realize that Cartman isn't all that special and that he's not worth all this fighting, If you just stop and think maybe you'll find a reason to be friends instead of enemies."

Liza: "I'm sorry Krista I didn't mean it when I call you a skanky slutty sunburnt bucktoothed offspring of a Cabbage Patch Kid and a Troll Doll."

Heffer: "Let's not rub salt in the wound Liza."

Liza: "Yeah sorry."

Heffer: "I think if we put our heads together us girls can find a compromise that we can both agree on."

Liza: Holds her hand out. "Friends?"

Heffer: She shakes her hand. "Friends. Come on Liza we've got a lot of work to do."

They both giggle at each other.

Scene Break

The Valentines Dance.

The dance is in full swing the gym decorated in shades of pink and red in heart shaped decorations on the dance floor the children dance with their dates. Scar with Nikki, Richie With Ophelia, Flint with Sven, Charlie with Lloyd, Smiley with Rags, Ross with Craig, Clyde with Bebe, Token with Nicole, Carmen with Edgar, Martha with Tweek, Mica and Christophe, along Kenny and Catherine. and Kenny and Fiona, And Kenny and Emi, And Kenny and Tammy, And Kenny and Dana, And Kenny and Kelly, And Kenny and Sandra, And Kenny and Holly, And Kenny and Ella, And Kenny and Shannon, and Kenny and Delilah and Kenny and Mary because he's a such a pimp. and of course Stan and Wendy and Kyle and Maddie, Even Butters had enough money to invite Lexus from Raisins.

Stan and his friends head for the punch bowl.

Kyle: "Sorry I stepped on your toes so many times." He pours her a cup of punch.

Maddie: Rubs her foot in pain. "It's okay Kyle my feet are used to taking abuse." She takes the punch from him.

Stan: "This dance kicks ass."

Wendy: "Yeah but my feet are killing me I don't how you do rhythmic gymnastics Maddie." She pours herself a cup.

Maddie: "It takes a lot of practice." She takes a drink.

Catherine: "Yeah but then you get feet like Fred Flintstone."

Maddie: Worried. " I don't have feet like Fred Flintstone! Do I?" She looks at Kyle.

Kyle: Looks down at her feet which seem to start growing larger and more Flintstone like. the make that twinkle toe sound from the show.

Maddie: "Kyle"

Kyle: Snaps back. "What no of course not babe."

She kisses him on the cheek stepping on his foot in the process.

Maddie: "Thanks Kyle."

Kyle: Winces in pain. "N-No p-problem."

Wendy goes to sit down with Stan and takes her shoes off.

Wendy: "Stan."

Stan: "Yeah?"

Wendy: "You don't think I have huge feet do you?"

Stan looks down at Wendy's feet and imagines them growing larger and more Flintstone like he does the one thing he can do.

Wendy: "Stan?"

BLARGH!

Wendy: "EWW!"

Stan: "Oh my God I'm so sorry."

Wendy: "It's okay Stan I came prepared for this." She rips off her dress like a paper towel revealing an identical one underneath. She bunches up the old one and throws it away.

Stan: "I don't think there's anything wrong with you your just fine the way you are."

Wendy: "Oh Stan your so sweet." The bring their lips together to kiss until Wendy turns Stan's head away at the last second before he barfs and kisses him on the cheek.

BLARGH!

Stan: "Thanks Babe."

Wendy: "No problem." They kiss on the lips for real.

Maddie: "Aw that's so sweet."

Maddie and Kyle walk over to the bleachers and sit down with them She kisses Kyle on the cheek making the Jew blush.

Kenny: Wolf whistles. His dates all giggle and laugh!"

Stan Kyle Wendy and Maddie: "KENNY!"

Kenny: Takes his hood off. "Oh come on you guys set me up for that."

Stan: "Speaking of which I haven't seen Cartman all night."

Kyle: "He's banned from anymore dances ever since the shimp paste prank."

Stan: "Oh yeah I wonder what he's doing?"

Scene Break.

We zoom out on Cartman's face as we see him tied up and bound to a chair in his basement which has been redecorated to resemble a fancy bistro. A single candle on the table illuminates the room. Cartman is dressed in a tuxedo and Heffer and Liza dressed as italian chefs complete with mustaches.

Heffer: "La cena 'e servita!" She places a platter on the table and lifts cover off the reveal a great big spaghetti dinner with meatballs.

Liza: Blows a kiss. "Bon appetite."

Heffer puts her Ipod down and sets it to play Bella Notte from Lady and the Tramp.

Cartman: "Ugh what are you doing?"

Heffer and Liza take off their Chef's clothes revealing dresses underneath, Heffer's is a strapless Plum while Liza's is a sleeveless white.

Liza and Heffer both take a seat at the opposite end of the table.

Heffer: "This is so sweet of you to go to all this trouble for us Eric."

Liza: "Yeah candles, spaghetti, romanic music sigh it makes me swoon just thinking about it."

Cartman: annoyed "What the hell are you girls talking about? You grabbed me dressed me up in this monkey suit tied me up and brought me down here." He tries to break his bonds but to no avail.

Heffer: Faux British accent "I think it makes you look smashing darling. giggles"

Liza: "It really does."

Heffer: "Well let's eat."

Heffer and Liza roll a meatball toward Eric with their noses.

Liza: "Dig in."

Cartman: "I can't you girls tied me up."

Heffer: Ponders to herself. "hmm you've got a point there."

Liza: "Yeah he sure does."

Heffer: "I guess we'll just have to feed you."

Liza: "Like a Baby."

Cartman: "What?"

Heffer picks up the meatball with a fork.

Heffer: "Open up the hanger for the airplane master."

Cartman: Pouts "NO!"

Heffer: "Huh?"

Cartman: "I said no this is ridiculous when my Mom gets down here you guys are gonna be in big trouble."

Liza: "Actually Eric your Mom is the one who helped us get this set up."

Cartman: "What?"

Heffer: "She said she'd be very busy on Valentines day so she asked us to babysit you."

Liza: "She's not supposed to get home till late."

Heffer: "And knowing Liane she's probably gonna be wasted."

Heffer and Liza: "Which means we have the whole evening all to ourselves. Liza picks up some spaghetti with a fork and they both take a bite. "Open up the tunnel for the train choo choo!"

Cartman: "No NO NOOOOOO MOMMMEEEEE!" takes a mouthful of spaghetti like a crying baby. Heffer and Liza both take the chance to slurp up the rest of it and kiss him on the Lips as the scene fades to a big Valentine's day heart.

Suddenly Heffer Liza and a crying Cartman pop out of the middle ala Porky Pig.

Heffer and Liza: "Th-th-th-th-that's all folks Happy Va-Va-Val-Valentine's Day!" They both giggle and kiss Cartman on the cheeks."

Cartman: "MEEEHM MEEEHHEEMMMM! I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY!

THE END


End file.
